You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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