Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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