non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
