she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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