Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
