you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
