I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
