i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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