The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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