Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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