I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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