the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
