I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
