I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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