my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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