I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
