HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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