my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
