I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Everyone says I win the strip club
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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