i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
