he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
