i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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