its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
