i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i came on her dog
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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