Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
