i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
