No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
PANTIES FOUND
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
