My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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