I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
