I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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