dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
