broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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