my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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