I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
