i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
