You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
