You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I need to stop coming to work sober
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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