Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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