Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
