my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My life is pants optional.
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