I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
