Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
