I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
