phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
