I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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