when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
