I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
