awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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