I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
