it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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