"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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